i love both you and the german language way too much
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Dienstag, Januar 03, 2006
my memory is overwhelming, and the sheer number of ways I have felt in this place impresses itself upon me and fills me with the need to cry. I’m not even remembering specifics, just snapshots of how my room looked from this angle at hundreds of different moments in my life
the year when this was the only hole of clear ground in the unbelievable piles of mess that filled the entire room...the way I sat right here and cried and cried when I came home from cty
the nights i spent sitting up in front of that old computer,
counseling ken through the minor traumas of his life while slowly growing from confused to intrigued to devoted to bitter and bitterer to pittying to...?
talking to aaron jones before i ever knew emily or any of that complicatedness
researching unschooling
writing papers at four in the morning the day they were due
the way i felt when i realized i shouldn’t have let everyone try on jon’s labcoat
when I read jay’s response to “well excited and scared”
when I wrote back
big black penis (no hair)
how i sat here to watch my calculus lectures, and the lectures for the physics class I never finished
just a few feet over and up, how I threw tantrums, and screamed with all my strength at the whole house above and around me in my impotent childhood rage, how I fought with and/or talked to brian the night he wrote “porsa” all over the back of my map of the sky, how I cried when I realized I didn’t want to redo my room after all, and that it was too late, how I cried and read my “the pilgrims of plymouth” picture book to Teddy on thanksgiving morning when I was finally made to move into the redone room.
how i slept on the floor the night we moved here, before the furniture had been unpacked.
barbie dolls
paper house
dollhouse
mommy discovering bridget
all of these things happened right here, but mostly I’m remembering what happened in conjuction with the computer whose monitor, the face by which I recognized it, has been taken away. I seem to have a lot of these moments, having been away for a substantial period of time. I had one when I got into my car early this break, and suddenly felt the unbearable crushing weight of having to haul myself back to staples, believing that i would have to do so for another year or more. And one at the library and one at the diner tying in to the same period of time.
the lying-down-in-that-spot-in-my-room memories are mostly connected to cty, I think. also to freshman year, iming with bono in the middle of the night and waking m+d up with the dual im noises, and then to sophomore year, feeling horribly lonely after he was gone. i remember the time i woke up in the middle of the night early sophomore or junior year with a burning need to write something about cty for a potential future college essay, and how i didn’t have much success.
none of these memories is terrible (oh, I just thought of a few terrible ones because i said that..heh. funny mind.), and thinking of any of them in a different setting would probably not move me so seriously, but I felt, as soon as I lay down and glanced up at where that monitor had been until a few days ago, the full simultaneous experience of at least seven or ten different events in my life...if my life were a movie i guess it wouldn’ve been a montage or something, but i experienced it as concurrently existing and occuring layers, and it was powerful and strange and it makes me want to cry.
12:47 AM
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